Welcome to the first video game review for The Mole Hole site!
Lets set up some ground rules:
- I will only be reviewing games I have beaten, as that is really the only way a game should be judged.
- I am on a “No new games till I beat all these old games” kick. As a result my reviews might not be the most fresh for a little bit while I play catch up, but hey its my blog so if you don’t like it fuck you and your judgement. Save it for church. Sinner.
- I won’t be reviewing any Wii games, so if you are looking for those might I suggest asking the rest of your friends at day care because odds are YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD.
- I will try and follow a standard review format of: Game overview, Story, Gameplay, Graphics & Sound, Overall opinion.
- Finally, I am not a system fanboy, just a gaming fanboy. I play on a PS3, 360, PSP, DS and Computer. I spread the love around, so don’t think my being critical or kind to a system exclusive is bias. Also see the last statement of #2
And thats it! So without further ado.. Bayonetta, which I played on the Xbox 360
Bayonetta is an action game in the same vein as Devil May Cry / Ninja Gaiden and God of War where you play as an 8 foot tall (9 feet if you count the beehive hair doo) clone of Sarah Palin wearing clothing made of your own hair. You have guns strapped to all 4 limbs and have the ability to call forth demons and implements of torture to finish off your enemies … who are the choirs of angels in heaven.
Just typing that makes me want to play the game over again, but I digress.
Bayonetta’s story is as about as coherent as Muhammed Ali singing the score from the HMS Pinafore while riding a mechanical bull.
Basically you are on a one witch mission against heaven to prevent the resurrection of some ancient deity. Along the way you interact with a bunch of equally strange and incoherent characters, including a little girl that is either you as a kid or your daughter. At one point you ride a Statue Rocket disguised as a building into space. Make sense?
The plots of Ninja Gaiden 2 and every Resident Evil game read like Citizen Kane by comparison, but lets face it, you ain’t here for story. Your here for guns and tits.
Tight controls, an almost unending set of commands and combos and a vast array of weapons to kill mutant angel monsters. Shit yes.
On top of all that they have implemented potentially one of the best defensive systems I have ever used. You time a dodge perfectly (using just one trigger) you enter Max Payne / Matrix esque slow time that allows you to sexify your enemies to death at your leisure. Awesome.
To the passerby the images on your TV will look like absolute nonsense, but the level of control you actually have over the nonsense is phenomenal.
The game is not a walk in the park either. Your ass will get handed to you so bring your A game. Thankfully checkpoints are placed at regular intervals.
GRAPHICS & SOUND:
Graphically the game looks very very pretty. The character models and environments are vivid and detailed, and the final boss fight assaults your senses with colors and sounds. If your a pregnant woman. Do not play this game / watch it being played because your baby will be born with epilepsy.
Also with so much going on at once, there is almost no slowdown or lag. Bonus points!
Sound effects are great. Music is annoying after about 5 minutes. Stream your own tunes from your iPod and enjoy. Mos Def’s album “The Ecstatic” got me through the game just fine. Also Gravel Pit by Wu- Tang.
If nothing else this game should be praised for its contribution to CosPlay from here on out. Not since BloodRayne have we had this level of sexy nerd potential.
As far as replay and value is concerned, every level gives you a completion rating and depending on how efficiently you dispatch your enemies and with how much flair you do it with. You’ll get a grade and a trophy. At the end of the game they line up all your trophies for you to look at once and shame you into doing better. Which I intend to do. Plus you can carry over all of your power ups and unlocks to a new game on a higher difficulty.
The story is blah, but if you like insane action games and you have decent reflexes, this game is for you.