*Authors note, I dont know why I never published this and its like not complete but hey… here you go … 2010 Oscar reactions…. literally 15 months too late.


Here’s my problem with the Oscars, every time someone worthy of recognition wins one, someone equally unworthy gets one and cheapens the whole thing. It makes the whole thing hollow and souless, like Topo’s Dream Journal.

Topo's dream journal and masturbation clip book.

Lets recap shall we? Fuck yeah we shall because I run this bitch. You don’t have a choice. Starting with categories no one cars about and working up to the big guns.

Writing: Original Screenplay

Winner: The Hurt Locker

Since I liked this movie quite a bit, I have no complaints. I know military types think the movie is bullshit, and I can appreciate that, but I likes what I likes. Hence why I wrap entire Turkeys with bacon come Thanksgiving. Tasty jams.

Writing: Adapted Screenplay

Winner: Precious (aka Fatty Got Sad)

Didn’t see it. Won’t see it. Could be awesome, but so could sticking your dick in a light socket. I’ll never know about either one. I did like Gabourey Sidibe in NOTORIOUS. WHen they said female playing Biggy Smalls, I was hesitant but……

Visual Effects

Winner: Avatar

Every once in a while, genocide kinda makes sense.....

Cat people hair fucking for the win! While this will cause me to lose all credibility on the internets, I liked this movie and visually it was a god damned spectacle. The only visual effect I thought was more impressive was how fat they were able to make Precious look. I mean that looked so real it probably took like several hundred Korean animators like hours and … wait what?… that wasn’t… oh. Never mind. Avatar!

Sound Mixing

Winner: The Hurt Locker

Boom goes the dynamite.

Sound Editing

Winner: The Hurt Locker

Boom Boom Boom. Let me hear you say WAY-O

Short Film (live Action)

Winner: The New Tenants

Aren’t short films just TV shows?

UGGGGG I just now realized how long this list is, so here is the short version of shitty categories.

Animated short film: Logorama. That what I call it when I take a shit.

Music Original Song: Crazy Heart Theme. Should have been “Hungry Heart”

Music Original Score: UP. Super.

Makeup: Star Trek. Hot big boobed Green Alien with red hair FTW!

Foreign Language Film: The Secret in Their Eyes. Dios Mio!

Film Editing: The Hurt Locker. Yeah we get it. You like the Hurt Locker.

*ignores documentaries because they are not movies*

Costume Design: The Young Victoria. I believe a certain film called “Ninja Assassin” was cheated here.

Art Direction / Cinematography: Avatar. Pretty movie is pretty.

Animated feature film: UP. Loved it, but it will tear your god damned heart out for the first 15 or so minutes.

OK Now back to real categories:

Best Supporting Actor

Winner: Chistoph Waltz in IB

The odds for him to win (and I mean true gambling odds) was 1/25. That means he was so favorite that you would have to put up 25 bucks just to win 1 dollar. To win $100 on that bet you would have to put up $2500.

The man’s performance was phenomenal. They should have gave him a couple of the lesser oscars just so he could turn them into salt and pepper shakers, or butt plugs, or whatever German people use regularly around the house.

Best Supporting Actress

Winner: Mo’Nique in Fatty Got Sad

And the WB goes wild. I have 2 jokes so bare with me:

1. You know what deserves an oscar is that stage for supporting her *rimshot*

2. I heard she chipped a tooth on her oscar because she read that it was made of chocolate.

I did love her in Beerfest though……

Best Actor

The Dude in Everything he’s ever been in.

Honestly this man has deserved this for a while. I have yet to see Crazy Heart, but I heard its money. That being said they could have given it to him for Arlington Road and I would have been happy. The Dude abides.

Best Director / Best Picture

Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker

I figured I’d combine the categories because I can.¬†Still liked that movie. Still thinks it deserves the praise. The opening scene with Guy Pierce alone should justify these.

Side note: An anonymous source close to James Cameron says that he is claiming credit for the title, insisting that “the Hurt Locker” was a sexual position he invented involving steamer crate, a simple pulley system, a Key Grip and “absolutely no lubrication”.

There you go, I couple of flubs. A couple of “Who gives a shit?”s, but all in all a semi respectable package. That is until you get to the “Best Actress”

Winner: Sandra Bullock for My White Momma

No, I haven’t seen the movie. No, I won’t see the movie. Yes, I do think it is transparent from the trailers. Yes, I know how it ends.

I hear this was a gimmie for all the other work she has done. Like she was due. Unlike Jeff Bridges, I don’t see how this is possible. Lets run down some highlights form this illustrious career:

  • Demolition Man (1993) – Head band sex.
  • Speed (1994) – Working title was “S’plosion Bus. Whoa!”
  • The Net (1995) – She gets caught in a series of tubes.
  • Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) – Keanu be damned.
  • Miss Congeniality (2000) – Vincent Vincent D’onofrio¬†was busy.
  • Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005) – The Sister Act 2 of beauty pageant comedies.
  • The Proposal (2009) – Ugggg
  • All About Steve (2009) – Double Uggg

She has been in Rom-Coms and action movies where she plays the dumb chick. This win upsets me for 2 reasons:

  1. It cheapens Bridges’ win
  2. Melanie Laurent from Inglourious Basterds wasn’t even nominated. She was fucking great.

Seriously? Sandra. Goddamned. Bullock. Yes, she’s cute. Yes, I would even allow her to be deemed “America’s Sweetheat”. Yes, I would give it to her if she got topless, but she is not a great actress and without seeing this film I know she shouldn’t have won for this. Hell give it to Marisa Tomei for “The Wrestler” (robbed last year BTW) I would give them an Oscar if they made out for 20 minutes on screen.

I would have rather them give it to Meryl Streep just for being a great actress or Precious for wearing that ridiculous fat suit for the entire film. I mean that took dedication to lug arou…. wait.. what? Oh yeah I forgot. AVATAR!

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