Thanks to a generous grant from the M&M Mars corporation, The Paley Center, and Supermeth™ the Mole Hole Radio Network is proud to bring you the first public interview from the junior representative from Wallingford, Deez Nuts (I) IOWA.
MoleHole Radio: Thank you so much for taking the time to give us this interview. I’m sure it’s been a busy few days for you, Representative.
Rep. Deez Nuts: It’s no problem at all. Things have been a little crazy, sure. In fact, you could say it’s been totally [expletive deleted] uh (pauses) you know, [expletive deleted.] Anyway, what?
MHR: Well, you’ve made quite the splash this week. Let’s get the readers caught up on just who you are. Can we start with your name?
Nuts: What about it?
MHR: It’s a fairly uncommon-sounding name. Where does it come from?
Nuts: (laughs) It’s not all that uncommon, Mister Hole
MHR: (interrupts) Sorry, but my name isn’t Hole. It’s the name of the website. MoleHole Radio. Did you think my name was Mole?
Nuts: The important question is, (begins air quotes) Do I give a fuck? The answer is no. (ends air quotes) Do you want to hear about my name or not?
MHR: Yes, of course.
Nuts: Thank you, Hole (Nuts flicks toothpick at interviewer, who makes a yelping sound.) Now, like I was saying, it’s not that uncommon of a name at all. Deez is a fairly normal Ukrainian name. It means The Goddess consumes. Usually it’s a girl’s name, but my parents were afflicted with a very specific neurological disorder where they can only identify a person’s gender about fifteen percent of the time. That’s how they met, actually. They were both patients at the Center for Gender Incredulity, in Lowell, Massachusetts.
MHR: Wow, I’ve never heard of that disorder before. It must have been a tough upbringing.
Nuts: Well, I’m not surprised you hadn’t heard of it. You don’t look like much of a reader. And yeah, it was tough. My folks were constantly divorcing and re-marrying because they’d think they were gay or lesbians. Thankfully, marriage equality finally passed, at put that all to bed. They’ve been lovingly married for (glances at phone) like, six weeks. This time.
MHR: That’s fascinating.
Nuts: Don’t try to denormalize my family, Hole.
Nuts: (interrupts) Shut up. I’m trying to answer your dumb genealogy question. Anyway, My last name’s English. It comes from a time when your surname reflected your profession. Shoemaker, Carpenter and the like. Mystery solved.
MHR: So, your last name comes from a trade?
Nuts: That’s what I said, dummy.
MHR: Your people were (pauses) farmers?
Nuts: No. Well, maybe some of them were, I don’t know. Why do you ask?
MHR: You mentioned that your last name was a reference to your family’s trade.
MHR: So, because of that, I guessed that they were some kind of farmer.
Nuts: Well, that’d make sense if I was Representative Deez Farmer. What are you driving at?
MHR: (wipes brow) I, well (pauses) I’m not sure I understand wh (pauses) Maybe I’m not terribly familiar with English naming conventions.
Nuts: What in the [expletive deleted] are you [expletive deleted] talking about, Hole? What could you possibly not understand about that?
MHR: Your last name is Nuts, so that would make your family’s job (rolls hands forward to suggest continuation.)
Nuts: (exapserated) Genitals! What’s so [expletive deleted] difficult about this?
MHR: Wait (scribbles furiously on douchey leather hipster-notebook) genitals?
Nuts: Genitals, testicles. bow locks, whatever the preferred nomenclature is.
MHR: You’re serious?
Nuts: ‘Course I’m serious! Shoemakers made shoes (points at his shoes.) Carpenters, uh, carpented (waves hand in vague, sweeping motion around the room.) And Nuts’ performed all your coital and liquid waste expulsion duties. You think you always had a portable set of genitals attached to you at all times?
MHR: Well, y
Nuts: (interrupts) Of course you didn’t! Just like you didn’t always have a portable tv/phone/computer that you could slip in your pocket. Back in the olden days, you’d call the town Nuts over to blast ejaculate into your wife, from a sheepskin canteen. That’s how they kept it safe from the [expletive deleted] French!
MHR: Wow. (pauses) I had no idea.
Nuts: Figures. What the hell they teach you at Sarah Lawrence, anyway?
MHR: Well, I actually went to
Nuts: (interrupts) Hole, nobody cares about that [expletive deleted.] I’m running for president of these United States. What’s say we get to choppin’ it up about the issues!
MHR: That sounds great.
Nuts: That’s right, America, get ready for Deez Nuts to get all up in your face!
NEXT TIME: THE ISSUES!