Thanks to a generous grant from the M&M Mars corporation, The Paley Center, and Supermeth™ the Mole Hole Radio Network is proud to bring you the second part of the first public interview from the junior representative from Wallingford, Deez Nuts (I) IOWA.
MoleHole Radio: On the subject of the issues: there has been a lot of controversy regarding the the disturbing amount of police shootings, and the #blacklivesmatter campaign. What are your feelings towards those things?
Rep. Deez Nuts: Really? I think the cops should stop clipping everyone, and that black people’s lives matter. (turns to look at assistant) The fuck is the matter with this guy?
MHR: Well, I, uh (pauses) that is to say (pauses, then sighs) what can you bring to the table regarding them.
Nuts: Now, there’s a question! Let me be frank, Hole. Not only do I acknowledge that blacklivesmatter (it’s difficult to transcribe, but Rep. Nuts slurs the three words together and says them very quickly; in an apparent effort to make them one word) I may be the first candidate to state, for the record, that they matter more than everyone else’s.
MHR: Could you elaborate?
Nuts: Look, you’re probably not going to understand any of this, but I’ve got people smarter than us (pauses) well, smarter than you, and Numb Nuts (points over his shoulder to his assistant) back there, compiling a definitive guide to the worth of all genders and ethnicity. You know, like they do with baseball cards and such.
MHR: I’m not certain I understand.
Nuts: Of course you don’t. (snaps fingers) Gimme the paper (snaps fingers again. His assistant shuffles over and hands him a single sheet of college-ruled looseleaf paper) The criterium for
MHR: I think you mean “criteria.”
Nuts: Excuse me?
MHR: You said the “criterium.” I think you meant “criteria,” a principle or standard by which something may be judged or decided.
Nuts: That is what I meant, but the singular form, smartass.
MHR: I think that would be a “criterion.” I’m pretty sure a “criterium” is a type of bicycle race.
Nuts: I’m pretty sure you should shut the fuck up and let me finish. You’re here to interview me, not do a live performance of your fuckin’ grammar blog.
MHR: Fair enough, please continue.
Nuts: You’re goddamn right I’ll continue. Anyways (pulls a pair of bifocals from his front pocket, puts them on, and begins reading) the criteriON most important when compiling this table is difficult to ascertain, as is the prime method for extrapolating said data, so the all methods and categories are listed forthwith; pursuant to the matter of determining the most valuable combination of ethnic and gender traits in relation to whom it is (makes air quotes) more-or-less okay to shoot.
MHR: Wait (begins furiously scribbling in notebook) what? Who conducted this study, and for what?
Nuts: I don’t know, some nerds at some college, I guess. I farm a lot of stuff out.
MHR: I see. Would you please continue reading the data and the methods?
Nuts: I’m trying to, but you keep piping up with that reedy voice of yours. (resumes reading) valuable traits, blah, blah, okay to shoot, uh, oh! Here we go: determinants included best eyes, cutest smiles, likeliness to help you move, raditude and or baditude, average density, availability-
Nuts: (sighs) Yes, dummy. So, there’s what; one point three billion Han Chinese, but only like, a hundred and fifty thousand Laz in the world?
MHR: Uh, that sounds right.
Nuts: Ah, you don’t know. Good thing you took all those comparative poetry classes at Sarah Lawrence, right? Anyway, your ignorance of the numbers is unimportant for the purposes of the conversation. Just think baseball cards, like the Han Chinese are an ’89 Steve Sax Donruss®, and the Laz are like a ’52 Topps® Willie Mays.
MHR: Okay, got it (continues scribbling into notebook) and the methods?
Nuts: Well, let’s see. There’s survey, census data, primary and secondary yearbook collation, something called The Eliminator™, the skin-fold, and Arcane Geometry.
MHR: I’m sorry, what was the last one?
Nuts: Arcane Geometry is the blueprint of Creation and the genesis of all form. It is an ancient science that explores and explains the energy patterns that create and unify all things and reveals the precise way that the energy of Creation organizes itself. On every scale, every natural pattern of growth or movement conforms inevitably to one or more geometric shapes. It’s one of the CRITERIA necessary in successful applications of Black Magick. Now make sure you get that right in your sissy notebook; it’s “magick” with a “k.” Don’t want anyone to think you’re talking about “Black Magic” the Mexican wrestler.
MHR: That doesn’t seem (pauses) right.
Nuts: Well, technically, Black Magic was a Black, British Wrestler who got famous working Arena Mexico in the nineties. So congratulations, you got me.
MHR: That’s not quite what I meant.
Nuts: Don’t care. That’s all I can say about this particular topic until the numbers are crunched, but, heads up—we’re probably going to have to shoot a bunch of middle-to-upper class honkies like you, so, y’know, watch your ass. Next question!
MHR: Ok, uh (flips notebook pages) the next question I have for you is about the Armed Forces.
Nuts: Support ’em. (salutes)
MHR: Of course. But this question is specifically regarding Kristen Griest and Shaye Haver, the two female-first lieutenants that recently graduated Ranger school. Thoughts?
Nuts: (face reddens, appears to become angry) Let me explain something to you, okay? Most people will tell you that in order to have a well-balanced force, you want to have a fighter, a cleric, a rogue, and a wizard; if you’re playing with fourth edition rules. But that’s bullshit! You need ranged attacks, and people who can navigate a fucking dungeon, so, having two Rangers is great! Even better if they’re elves, because they get a plus two racial bonus for dexterity. (pauses) Are they elves?
MHR: I, uh, I don’t think so. But I can check.
Nuts: You do that. And god bless and keep you, Griest and Haver, you dexterous wood nymphs.
Next Time: More Issues!