Ramblings of a Chubby Man: Fuck You Post Office

Dear Postmaster General,

You have an awesome rap name which I intend to steal, but that is beside the point. In the United States of America, it is a popular idea that the lunch break of a typical Monday to Friday, 40 hour a week professional takes place somewhere between the hours of 11 and 1. Namely 12. This has been instilled in us all through our formative years and has be re-enforced through adulthood. That one hour in the middle of the day is sometimes all the time we get to run errands at institutions that are only open while we are at work.

My post office opens 2 hours after I get to work and closes 1 hour before I leave. This means that if I want to pick up the parcel you are holding for me I need to go at lunch. I would get it Saturday, but by then you will have shipped it back. I am positive I am not the only person who suffers from this awful time crunch conundrum. And since the post office has been in existence for …. I don’t know…..235 god damned years, I would imagine think that you would notice the trend as well.

My issue is how you address this problem. Everyday, you know that a thick slice of America is gonna come oozing thru those doors from 11:30 to 1ish. You know it. The rest of the day the place is yours! You can spend the time figuring out what the correct postage to mail your testicles to Sweden is or naturally glue together the pages of some Victoria’s Secret catalogue, but for that 2 hours you know you are gonna get rushed.

So why, in the name of our Christian Lord do you have ONE MOTHER FUCKER WORKING THE DESK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? YOU SHIT EATING DOUCHE BAGS!!!!!

And why is he the slowest dipshit to ever make it through stamp school? And why are there at least 3 other lazy ass clown fucks behind that desk doing nothing while a line of 20 plus people slowly builds out the door? Are they ther to supervise? To make sure the line reaches an acceptable level? Are they just there to frustrate all the people in line to the point where the simply walk out? How the fuck is this possible? What the shit do these people do? Last time I checked this was not Communist China.

If I could make a suggestion, maybe when the line builds to a certain level … around noon…. like it does EVERY FUCKIN DAY… maybe you could have the rest of the tax stealers drop whatever “work”  they are doing and help the god damned customers.

If I ever become president (and you better pray I don’t) the first thing I am doing is having a foam party in the Lincoln bedroom. But immediately after that, while the water slide is being installed and the south is being “cleansed”, I am replacing all of these assholes with nice efficient cyborgs.

Good day  sir. I said good day.

The future 46th President of these United States.